November 22, 2011
Mr. Mark Zuckerberg
President, Facebook Corp.
1601 S. California Ave.
Palo Alto, CA 94304
Dear Mr. Zuckerberg:
First, I would like to congratulate you on being one of richest men in the known universe, that is something I wish to one day accomplish with my own life (I've got a great idea for a 'microwave-dryer' combo that, if it works, will revolutionize the way we dry our food and heat our clothe). In just 8 years, Facebook, the little social network you started with your buddies in Harvard, has grown to more than 800 million active users all over the world. That's whole lot of "likes" right? Consequently, with everybody and their mother (literally, some people have to friend their moms, yikes!) connected by a couple of key strokes you've changed the way we all communicate - and this may surprise you, but it hasn't always been for the better.
One of the primary reasons I'm writing you today, is to make you aware of a crippling condition which is a direct result of your product - Facebook addiction. I've literally developed a psychological dependence on updating my status. My emotionally need for "likes" has spiraled out of control (It's so bad I post pictures beautiful food so I can get a "Like", nobody hates food so I always get a "like").
Most days I have it under control - only going on 3 or 4 times. Other days, I'm like Cookie Monster in front of a bag of Chips Ahoy.
In my Facebook Addicts Anonymous Group - or F.A.A.G for short - all the members are told to make a list of all persons on our friends list who caused us harm and de-friend them (unfriend?). That's when it struck me, although there are a few I want to unfriend for reasons both minor (really? another status update telling everyone your hungry) and unforgivable ("I just took my daily dump at work!" really?), to set things right I have to go to the heart of the problem.
Which brings me to the true purpose of this letter (even truer than my addiction). My F.A.A.G taught me that I can get my life back and become a true success. I know that writing you today, is the first step in a 145 character or less process (give or take), to making my dreams a reality (Twitter can be my morphine).
A well written letter, not comments or likes, is still the most important way to communicate to a giant business like the one you've built. And I hope you've gotten my message loud and clear. Basically, I would like to know how to make my "microwave-dryer" combo a social media sensation. Should I add a camera, so people can take photo's of the food they want to dry? What about a share button?
If you are interested in giving me any advice to my benefit or a healthy (read: lots of money!) pledge to fund the things on which all my hopes and dreams lay, give me call, write me a letter (following of the proper standards of a business letter of course) or you know, just Facebook me.
I look forward to checking my inbox.
Sincerely,
[signature]
Spadaque Volcimus
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